Court painters from 17th century kind of had the same job as Page Six editors today.

It fell upon guys like Anthony van Dyck to get the red carpet outfits of lords and ladies of the court down in paint. Though the best of the best is probably not exemplified by this lady’s get-up. Being a court painter, sometimes you had to show #whatnottowear as well.

Rivaled only by Diego Velasquez, van Dyck was top of the charts as far as court painters went in Europe. SO many people wanted him to paint his picture. In fact, if you type in “portrait of a lady van Dyck” on Google search, you’ll see that virtually every other famous museum has one such painting by the guy. Apparently none of the highbrow babes from King Charles I’s court had any objection to sitting for this guy. This gal looks like she’s thinking “Yeah, paint me, baby. Paint me real good. Mmm, yeah, you like that neck ruff? Paint it right there, baby.” Though my musings about the sitter’s range of excitement may be slightly doctored, it is still not untrue that EVERYONE wanted their portrait painted by him.

So much business rolled in, that van Dyck’s appointment book was full. He had assistants paint in the clothes sometimes, because he preferred bosoms and bare arms unless the outfits were really exotic and/or titillating, in which case he’d take charge. It’s sadly obvious that this lady’s drab black dress and flea collar was not sexy enough to tickle van Dyck’s fancy. But her attitude is on fleek when it comes to the beady-eyed intensity. Like you can see her looking at you looking at her. This is where you see van D’s genius for portraiture just nailing it.

This portrait was actually rescued by one of the original Monument’s Men, and though you may picture him as George Clooney or Matt Damon, he was actually one of San Francisco’s very own. It was a guy named Thomas Carr Howe Jr., director of the Legion of Honor who was shipped off to Europe to save some art from the wrath of Nazi purges. Hitler wouldn’t have known good art even if it pissed in his ear. We’re glad this Thomas guy did though, and thankful that he rescued one of van Dyck’s finest!