Widely considered the greatest portrait ever, but would you want Velasquez to paint such an unfiltered likeness of you?

Yes, this resplendent portrayal launched a few thousand critics into awestruck astonishment. Even the Pope (pictured here) exclaimed, “Troppo vero!” which is Italian-speak for “all too true!” when he saw it for the first time. Though his exclamation was a little more nonplussed than pleased, because even he could see that the portrait showed a little too much of him in spite of his body being fully covered. What is it, you ask, that threw off Pope Innocent X when he saw this? Allow me to deconstruct the disquieting aspects of this painting for those of you who can’t figure out what it is about this painting that makes you fidget…

According to a gentleman diarist of the seventeenth century, the Pope wasn’t much of a looker in the first place. In fact, he was described as having a face that was “the most deformed ever amongst men.” Yikes. Those seventeenth century types were needlessly harsh! Anyhow, Velasquez wanted to paint his Holiness’s face for reasons unbeknownst to beauty critics of that time (possibly because this was one of the most influential men of that time, but this is just me venturing a guess here…) and the Pope was all like, if I’m gonna sit for this guy, I need to KNOW that he is as good as they say. So, Velasquez proved his nifty skills by painting a portrait of the Pope’s servant, now housed at the Met, which brushed away (heheh) his doubts and consequently Pope Innocent X agreed to sit for this portrait.

This tale culminates in a piercing, scary, insanely lifelike and yet slightly vulnerable likeness of the Pope. Velasquez painted the flesh so real that you can almost see the blood in those ruddy cheeks and those eyes are nowhere near innocent! They look directly at the viewer knowingly and shrewdly, and make you feel like you’ve been sent to the principal’s office. His slightly delicate and nervous hands feature a fancy ring and a serious looking document. And Velasquez does a hell of a job painted his Holiness’s fancy vestments as well. Look at that silky scarlet cape thingy! Don’t it make you want to drape it over yourself and head over to the Four Seasons for a cocktail? I could even rock that frothy white frock he’s wearing underneath to a picnic in Dolores Park. Speaking of which, it’s those delicate white linens that match his slightly fragile hands and give an air of vulnerability under that harsh, aggressive and oh-so-powerful air. All in all, it tells us a lot about this Pope who had an insane amount of power at his disposal, was considered pretty evil by some and even had his dead brother’s wife as his mistress!

Many versions of this painting exist, but perhaps the most famous besides the original itself are the ones painted by Francis Bacon. Bacon was obsessed with this portrait and painted approximately 45 versions of this guy, though his were slightly different. Bacon’s popes are less austere and more horror-flick and referred to as the “Screaming Popes.” Sometimes he painted his pope with curtains, sometimes with meat. But I’ll say this, the Velasquez version will make you just as queasy as the Bacon studies.