In case you’re wondering, this isn’t a 17th century flashback episode of Say Yes to the Dress. 

But if there’s a reality show inspired painting genre out there, then Konstantin Makovsky’s The Russian Bride’s Attire would def fit into that category. Makovsky’s massive painting of Maria Miloslavskaya (a spellchecker’s nightmare) is a true story in oils, and not one we can picture Disney producing.

No, it’s more likely to make the cut for a Bollywood musical in which an aristocratic girl is married against her will and eventually dies in childbirth. Yup, you can probably tell that Maria, pictured smack in the center in vestal white, is none too thrilled about her upcoming nuptials. Her girlfriend, or maybe even sister, Anna, looks pretty bummed too. It makes sense if the girl sitting at Maria’s feet is her sister Anna, because she too was about to get hitched.

It’s like this: when the tsar Alexis I of Russia became eligible for marriage, he was set up on quite a few blind dates with all the available noble-born chicks in Russia. In fact, to save up on time, they might’ve just lined up The Bachelor style and Alexis probably picked out his bride much like one searches out a suitable tomato in the fresh produce section. Who says picking out your soul mate can’t be as easy as buying your groceries? All you gotta do is look for the ripe, firm, unblemished one. Luckily, Alexis had his trusty tutor, Boris Morozov to help with the selection and it was Boris who set up the tsar with Maria, while bagging Anna for himself.

Anyway, this explains the morose atmosphere in the picture. Though who we can assume to be Maria’s mom is business-like about getting her daughter wedding-ready. On that note, let’s give a shout out to all the ladies in this picture whose headgear is on fleek! They don’t make hats like that anymore. But…back to Maria. It was a powerful alliance no doubt, and it looks like Maria had little say in the whole transaction. She was also so super hot, folks thought she might have been a witch. Nobody burned her at the stake, but she died young giving birth to her thirteenth child. God bless birth control.